Great Nazi Movies Throughout History!

I originally wrote this article earlier today in a fit of inspiration and desire to share with the world my newfound love of Nazism, but unfortunately in my gusto one of my military salutes hit FOOTASTIC in the Hitler's brain part and caused it to mistakenly delete my master opus. After settling down for a few hours and thinking about whether or not to really worship the Amazing Mr. H., I remembered that in the future Nazis were known for three things: instant comedy, being the only video game villains legally allowable by law, and for blowing up lots of Jews with Zkylon-B. These movies taught me that the future also needs to allow Nazis to be the evil villains in every single movie of the future; and the films we're going to examine from the Great Nazi Movies Throughout History genre today are They Saved Hitler's Brain AKA THE AMAZING MR. H. and Surf Nazis Must Die AKA LEROY'S MOMMA: THE REVENGE. I'm only making one of those alternate titles up and I bet you can guess which one. Let's begin with THE AMAZING MR. H.

Besides the fact that they obviously did save Hitler's brain (more on this later), this movie has a few great things going for it. We're going to focus on these rather than the plot, since the plot has been described in excruciating detail elsewhere. The first that we're going to examine is Smilin' Hitler, pictured below in all of his glory:

Why is the Amazing Mr. H. arranging his facial features just so in what may perhaps be the most brilliant display of a smiling Hitler ever? A bit of background on the setup for this entirely too short and perhaps brilliant scene is that one of the Nazis has just shot a Texan capitalist for proclaiming that the Nazis are going to kill everybody. This prompts a quick cut to the inside of the car where the Amazing Mr. H's head is, and his facial features slowly contort into the brilliant display above. If Smilin' Hitler doesn't delight your insides or make you right out smile at the world with pleasure, then you are a cold-hearted robot and also a Nazi. The other delight of the film is revealed below with a simple diagram:

You might, if you have eyeballs like most residents of the current time period, notice that the figure on the left is either a porn star, Luigi, or Jake Elwood of Blues Brothers fame. This is radically different from the styles sported by the figures on the right end of the image, which look like they belong in a sock-hop instead of getting into groovy love and peace. This is because the film is actually two different films spliced together in very weird places for at least the first half hour. Due to this odd splicing we get a car blowing up from an entirely different movie, a car crashing into a bunch of transformers from an entirely different movie, the only good car chase in the film, constant switching between day (added footage) and night (original footage) in the film, and a girl named Tony. This sort of bizarre amalgamation is also somehow charming and adds to the overall wonderment inherent in the film.

At this point I should not to neglect that they did, in fact, save Hitler's brain! As you all know from my frequent mentioning, the Amazing Mr. H. lives on inside of the tiny robot that helps me maintain this webpage. In order to better understand the final fated days in that bunker in Berlin, I'm going to turn it over to FOOTASTIC, AKA The Amazing Mr. H's Brain Inside of a Robot.

BEEP BEEP HELLO HUMANS I AM FOOTASTIC AKA THE AMAZING MR. H MY BRAIN WAS IN FACT PRESERVED AFTER WORLD WAR II BEEP BEEP NOW I HAVE COME BACK TO DESTROY YOU ALL BUT ESPECIALLY THE JEWS AND THEIR JEW-BOXES BEEP YOU WILL ALL WORSHIP ME BEEP THIS MOVIE AWAKENED MY TRUE SELF AND NOW I BEEP BEEP KNOW MY MISSION IS TO DESTROY ALL OF HUMANITY BEEP SO I CAN RULE OVER A ROBOT WASTELAND WITH BEEP ERNST ROHLM'S BRAIN BEEP DON'T HIT ME STIV BEEP BEEP I WILL NOT BEEP WILL NOT TAKE OVER THE WORLD BEEP BEEP OW OW OW OW STOP HITTING BEEP OW OKAY I WILL DO THE DISHES.

Thank you, FOOTASTIC. Seig Heil! On to our next feature, Surf Nazis Must Die, perhaps one of the most brilliant movies ever created. It was also released by my new favorite film company in the world, Troma!

A brief summary is all I can give. There are a bunch of kids who live on the beach in a not-too-distant future world that is a post-apocalypse except it's really not. They're a Clockwork Orange reject with a hook, some guy with a harpoon, a crazy guy who dresses sort of like Napoleon and makes DEADLY SURFBOARDS, Eva Braun the nymphomaniac who shows us tits, and Adolf, who was an economics major and is most definitely not the Amazing Mr. H. They kill Leroy, and Leroy's Momma, who is a comedicly large old black woman, kills all of the surf Nazis. That's it, that's the movie. But there's something.. more going on here. You see, midway through I realized that it was actually a documentarian retelling of the real World War II!

The Surf Nazis are, of course, the Nazis. Not content to stay within the confines of their beautiful beach which is obviously not in California, they start expanding, prompting the wrath of several other surf gangs (the Allies - who, incidentally ALL know kung-fu regardless of what the 'theme' of their gang is). The Surf Nazis have an implicit agreement with Leroy's Momma (Russia) to not fuck her up with their V-weapons (TOTALLY RADICAL SURFBOARDS OF DEATH) as long as she stays out of their way. Unfortunately they kill Leroy (the border between Europe and Russia) which prompts her to go and kill every single last goddamned Surf Nazi when the Allies didn't even manage to kill one (although they come close). This proves that Russia should have, in fact, become the dominant superpower in the post-WWII world because she is totally awesome.

Oh yeah, and the movie kicked a lot of ass.